Angie D'Amico's Reflections

My Reflection: Think of a time in your own life when you experienced someone else’s anger. Where were you? What did you instantly feel? What did you do or not do?

When I was little and on my grandfather’s farm in Pennsylvania. I had been walking around the property and somehow ended up playing with the tractor’s gas cap. Without really knowing what it was, I unscrewed it and left the cap right to the side of the opening. I walked away thinking nothing of it. A couple hours later, my grandfather stormed into the house enraged yelling about which one of the grandkids had done it. He questioned each of us separately and his message about safety was totally trumped by his terrifying anger. I immediately did not feel like this was a safe place to be open and honest. I was a child who NEVER lied, but that anger had really affected me. It was a secret I even kept from my parents until I was a bit older.

My Reflection: List the feelings that the mother (Shirley MacLain in Terms of Endearment) is experiencing at this moment:

• Empathy for her daughter
• Pain (From empathizing with her daughter, From her own feelings about her daughter’s illness)
• Desperation
• Helplessness
• A strong urge to advocate
• Urgency
• The need to be understood.
• Feeling that things are unfair.
• Not understanding why the nurse doesn’t have the same urgency.
• Not understanding why the nurse doesn’t see how much of a priority this is.

After the outburst, those feelings are at least momentarily overshadowed by embarrassment and gratitude. 

My Recollection: If I remember only one thing from my reading about understanding anger is that it can be fueled by someone’s love and devotion; it can also be a mask for worry, desperation, helplessness, frustration, fear, sadness, and feelings of being misunderstood. 

My Reflection: What are your thoughts about how Diane’s communicated with D.J.’s mother?

I am really moved by it. By sending those judgement-free bi-weekly notes with examples of her son’s work and/or clippings/articles/books that may have been of interest her, she was able to keep giving D.J.’s mother chances to respond or be involved without real pressure. Also, whatever was stopping D.J.’s mom from being in communication with school professionals had not stopped her from getting to learn about her son’s progress or from receiving relevant resources. Some people take longer to learn how to dance than others… and by the end of the year Mrs. Gibbs may have only learned to put a foot on the dance floor… but progress is progress. I will definitely be thinking about this example as I deal with these kinds of parents in the future. 

My Reflection: Write a brief note to a parent or professional partner sharing something you valued or appreciate about him or her.

Dear Mr. Moreno, 

It was a pleasure to get to meet with you this week! I wanted to thank you for your input on Jaiden’s in-school and at-home behavior plans. It has been really insightful to see how Jaiden is doing at home, so thank you for sending the filled out data sheets with him to school. We’re only a few days in and I already feel like I have learned so much more about him. I hope you’re enjoying reading the filled out sheets and notes that I have been sending home as well! If you’d ever like to set up a phone call or an in person meeting before our next scheduled one, please do not hesitate to reach out. Wishing you and your family the best as always.

Sincerely,

Ms. D’Amico

Final Reflection: I have enjoyed every word of this book and I believe it’s been my favorite assigned text of my time at UTPB. It’s real, honest, practical, ethical, understanding, empathetic, deliberate and filled with inspiration to be kind and patient with both yourself and others. I greatly look forward to applying all that I’ve learned to my current and future partnerships as well as sharing this information with others. 

Chapter 3 Reflections

Chapter 3 coaches us essential steps for parents and professionals to “keep on dancing.”

My Reflection: As I review this list, the three that caught my attention are: 

1. Go Slow – I think it’s really important to remember to be patient with yourself, especially when you’re being thrown into a situation with overwhelming amount of new information. With time, questions, and reflection, the situation will become more clear and less stress-inducing. Remember that you should ask for the support your need!
2. Trust that your partners want to share valuable information with you and do their best to support your child – It is so easy to be defensive during this process, but as much as you need to trust yourself and what you know about your child, you also have to trust that these professionals have your best interest in mind (unless you have real evidence of the opposite). 
3. Involve your child – Part of advocating for your child is letting their own voice be heard. You need to help them understand their disability and the supports/interventions that can be put in place for them.

An additional suggestion I want to add to this list is: Alongside keeping high expectations free of judgement for your children, keep high expectations free of judgement for yourself! As hard as it may be, you can do this. With the right supports, friends, family, providers, organizations, you can and will help your child live the best life they can. 

My Reflection: How does the reframing of “in denial” impact your thinking about what families might experience?

I really enjoyed this section of the text. Reframing being “in denial” as “in disagreement” takes the judgment and condescension out of the situation. I believe it’s okay to have high expectations and dreams that may never be met, as long as there’s no punishment for meeting/achieving them. It’s better than setting the bar lower with the chance of not actually reaching one’s full potential. To be told your “in denial” is essentially being told that you’re wrong. Having a disagreement is a reason for conversation, not a reason to be shut down. I imagine that it would be very hard for families in these situations to feel understood. 

My Reflection: Name two other strategies you can use to promote partnerships.

1. Practice cultural literacy. Make an effort to learn about the family’s culture.
2. Let them know that you will never understand exactly what they’re going through, but that you understand that it can be very difficult. Make it clear that you want to listen and provide the needed assistance, resources etc. 

My Reflection: What strikes you as important to remember when meetings are beginning?

The beginning of the meeting is where the tone is set. Despite the many formalities in these kinds of meetings, it needs to feel comfortable and welcoming. The parents need to feel like they’re not just another case on the docket. Take the time to make sure they’ve gone to the restroom and have received water if needed. Make sure they clearly know who everyone in the meeting is. Start with small talk and checking in on how the parents are doing. It’s okay to talk person to person for a moment and not provider to parent as long as the subject matters are appropriate. Then start with some positives. Remind the parents how much you all appreciate their child and what they have to offer. From this position, move on with clear explanations and plenty of time for encouraged questions. Make sure there’s time to process in between chunks of information. The welcoming atmosphere should try to be sustained even through disagreements, with breaks as needed and expressed understanding. 

My Reflection: One thing I want to remember about beginning and ending meetings is:

You should do your best to make the parents as comfortable as you can once they get there and to send them away feeling listened to and with clear plans/next steps and supports in place. 

Chapter 2 addresses the hidden lyrics in the songs we dance to in this analogy. As Fialka, Feldman and Mikus (2012) supports, it is easy for these hidden thoughts/wants/desires/worries go unarticulated and unaddressed; there’s a reason they weren’t expressed fully in the first place. Maybe one of the parties isn’t conscious of these worries or maybe they are conscious, but they are too nervous to bring it up. The reasons can be endless. These hidden lyrics can cause stress and misunderstandings if there isn’t enough awareness and sensitivity in the partnership. To me this indicates that part of being a member of a strong partnership is having the ability to be vulnerable sometimes, so that those many aspects of awareness can be developed. 

Personally, as an actor-director, this makes me think of the ever-important concept of subtext. I even once wrote a 10-minute play where there were actors who said the “lines” and other actors playing the same character who spoke the subtext. The truth is it is common to say one thing while thinking and feeling something entirely else underneath. I believe developing a strong partnership built on trust and patience avoids this. 

My Reflections on The Story of Sam:

Scene 1: 

This scene highlighted the overwhelmingness of the whole process for parents with all the tests, the different providers/appointments etc. It’s important to think about what that parent has gone through before they sat down in the meeting with you. It is natural for a parent to want to know why their child is different and what their future will be like, but the truth is we do not know all the answers to their questions. All we know is what research has taught us and the tools research has provided. We want to help; we want to use all our knowledge and resources to do so, but it’s natural to worry that the parents won’t see the benefits fast enough. It’s important to make sure parents get to share their full perspectives. We must be sensitive, but we also must be honest. We’re causing harm instead of doing good when we avoid the truth. The truth can be wrapped in the prettiest package, but it still has be the truth or we’re not doing our jobs and we’re putting that family/child at a disadvantage.

Scene 2: 

In Scene 2, the overwhelmingness continues. The parents are filled with doubt, self-blame, and the constant feelings of wanting to do the right thing and wanting their child to do the right thing. Parents take so much of this personally and the resulting discomfort can keep crucial perspectives and information from being known. We have to let parents know that not only is it okay for them to share, but we need them to share. They are experts on their children and they should get to feel that way, while also learning to recognize and appreciate our relative and useful expertises. The truth is we don’t mean to be terrifying and we don’t mean for our words of comfort to aggravate instead. We wish we could tell families what they want to hear all the time, but we can’t. What we can do is openly share our appreciation for their child, for their uniqueness, their strengths, and their interests. We have to remind the parents their child having ASD or any disability is NOT their fault and these tests aren’t judging their parenting skills or who their child is. These tests help determine what their child needs. 

Scene 3: 

In Scene 3, we witness some of the grieving process associated with the loss of a dream. In this case, the dream was about what they thought parenting would like like and what they thought Sam’s life would look like as well. While we grow up with many visible models of what grieving looks like, we don’t often have many visible models of this kind of grief, so it can be even harder to know how to handle it or what help to get. This is where our understanding is so crucial. We have to let parents know that they are not alone, even if we’re the ones seen as the bearers of bad news. As educational professionals, we care so much and the parents need to be shown that. They need affirmations that they’re doing the right thing for their child (Fialka, Feldman & Mikus, 2012). Part of that is doing our jobs right and making sure every move we make is the most likely to benefit their child. Again, both sensitivity and honesty are important here. 

Scene 4:

The main take away here is that sometimes to help you have to hurt. Life changing news is hard for those receiving it and often those sharing it. Despite our best intentions, this kind of meeting is never going to pleasant. There will be pain and maybe even tears, but I believe it is our job as educational professionals to try and plant a seed of hope as well. Yes this is overwhelming, but these things have been overcome before. Progress can be achieved, especially with honest and constructive feedback moving forward between parties. 

Scene 5: 

This scene highlighted just how little understanding families can have about disabilities and how that can hurt their ability to act like a support system. Unfortunately, those who are struggling with or adjusting to some kind of disability in their lives may not get the support they need from people you’d think they could expect it from. That is why as professionals the support and understanding we offer is so valuable and crucial. The work we do is not void of emotion. We are going to have feelings. We are going to care and we are going to fight for our students and families.

Scene 6:

My main take away: With time, patience, education, action and reflection…things can and often will get better.

My Reflections on the Story of Rachel

From the beginning, the background of Rachel’s story reminds me of many students/families I have met or worked with. One thing that is particularly familiar is how strong decoding skills can distract from comprehension problems. 

Scene 1 and 2:

Two feelings that jump out from Scene 1 are the following: 1. surprise (because sometimes symptoms aren’t always so easy to see) and 2. the anxiety of wanting to know what’s “wrong” and not wanting to know at the same time. 

However, the main takeaway from Scene 1 and 2 is something I always come back to… BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR LANGUAGE AND VOCABULARY! Watch how fast you’re talking. Give time for processing and encourage ANY KIND of question. You must explain what terms really mean in a non-condescending tone. Don’t use a bunch of acronyms and content-specific vocabulary that you only know because you majored in education and work professionally in the field. You can slowly teach those over time and over many meetings if you want. Also pay attention to when the parents might start to look like they’re “shutting down” or not listening anymore. You don’t have to cover everything in one meeting, but do reflect on how you could support longer more productive conversations with those parents in the future. 

Scene 3:

In just two weeks, Rachel’s parents are able to feel more confident in the situation thanks to receiving education and being connected to new support systems. 

This scene also brings me back to the idea of language, especially language that can be upsetting. Instead of saying Rachel failed to improve, which puts the blame on Rachel, it would be better to try and remember to say something like the applied interventions failed to meet Rachel’s needs for improvement. 

Another thing this scene brings to mind is the importance of reminding people that there has been a lot of growth in the special education field and in special education law over the past few decades and that previous negative notions one had about what receiving special education services is like should be reconsidered.  

Another note: Sometimes big broad questions can be overwhelming and more specific questions are needed to get answers.

Lastly, this scene reminded me of Josie’s parents from Chapter 1. Unlike the scene we were shown with the Lopez family where it cuts off in the middle of the upset, this scene allowed us to see the team work through the disagreement and actually come to a shared conclusion. It was beneficial to see how that IEP meeting worked out with the help of some well thought out compromise. 

Scene 4:

I believe Scene 4 shows an example of the creative partnering and collaborating phase. It starts with a wonderful change of energy from the mother. Her daughter’s increased confidence is being recognized and so is the work they’re doing with her at home! It was also nice to see how the pre-IEP phone call helped ease anxiety. The scene also shows what it’s like for parents and educational professionals to feel on the same page and to witness their partnership grow stronger. I think frequent, clear communication that targeted issues before they became problems helped this happen.

My Reflection: What can be done or said to ease this awkwardness, ambivalence, or initial uncertainty?

First of all I think cultural literacy is really important here. As supported by As Fialka, Feldman and Mikus (2012), I think you need to be careful about using acronyms and content-specific language that lay people don’t usually understand; no one likes to talked down to, so speak in a way that makes sense given who you’re speaking to. I think you have to start from a place of patience and focus on all the positives, even as you bring up issues. Make sure to ask them what their experience of their child is and to make it clear that you value what they have to share. I always try to point out that by working together their child will have such an incredible amount of support. I also make it clear that I am genuinely happy and excited about getting to know their child myself. 

My Reflection: What can professionals and parents do and say to acknowledge and ease some of the awkwardness of these initial meetings?

I think it is best to talk to parents like peers you are excited to get to know and learn from. You can also verbally acknowledge the range of feelings one could have in this situation and that it isn’t abnormal to feel hesitant. I think it’s important to be friendly, but to not overwhelm parents with your energy. I also think it’s important to highlight concepts that are evidence-based (and therefore more convincing) without diving into full-on scholarship. Again as I mentioned earlier, cultural literacy is a must in these situations. 

If I remember one thing from my reading about the parent-professional partnership and the dance metaphor, it is that it doesn’t make sense to expect a dance partnership to be perfect right away, so why do we expect that from our partnership development with parents? There are many things to consider: Do both parties want to start this dance? Who asked whom? Do we know different styles of dance? What kind of dance will we be most successful at together? How do we figure that out? What we do know is that figuring all this out takes time and patience, but at the end of the day something beautiful can come out of it, something that is truly the product of all parties, that becomes more fluid and natural continually. 

My Reflection: Think about a time in your own personal life when you felt strongly about a situation. Describe the circumstances. What did you want to have happen? What was underlying that desire—what values, dreams, past history, and expectations? What did you want the other person to understand about your perspective?

This year I decided I wanted to move from my hometown of NYC to Burlington, VT, a city I’ve adored for many years and is actually where my partner is from/where his family still is. My family had just gone through a difficult year, including my parents going through a nasty divorce and my father (who my partner and I are very close to) moving in with us and our animals. I knew my father would be happier out of the city and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I could still pursue Special Education up in Vermont while getting to be in a chill, very affordable city, that is close to my partner’s family and to both urban and rural life. Very recently in the city with everything that had been going on, I had mainly felt like I was always working and recovering from working. I started looking forward to a calmer life in Burlington and being able to visit NYC on my free time when I could really enjoy it. My partner was originally hesitant because I had previously shown no interest in leaving NYC ANY time soon or ever. He wanted to make sure this was something that I really wanted and that it was the best for our family, which was fair because I wanted him to feel confident about those things too. It took time to walk him through the pros and cons, but eventually his excitement started to bubble out. It was something he didn’t realize he’d be so happy about, the opportunity to blend his life in VT from before he met me and his life with me in NYC. Now we both have jobs in the Special Education field lined up in VT. Our lease in signed and we move in August 4th. Our whole little family could not be more pumped about this move! We know it’s the right thing for us. 

My Reflection: Describe three feelings that the parents are experiencing and three feelings that the professionals are experiencing. Identify some of the interests and values influencing or shaping the two different opinions about where Josie should be next year—from both the parents’ and the professionals’ perspectives.

Josie’s Parents:

1. They probably feel upset that these professionals think they know better about the kind of environment their daughter should be in next year and that they aren’t being open-minded. 
2. They probably don’t feel like the professionals are really listening to them. 
3. They probably feel like they don’t want something so “different” for their daughter and that she deserves the school experience that their other children got. They have a hard time imagining the professionals ever letting Josie have the “normal” experience they want for her. 

Professionals:

1. They probably feel upset that these parents think they know better about the kind of environment their daughter should be in next year and that they aren’t being open-minded.
2. They probably don’t feel like the parents are really listening to them.
3. They probably feel like there is absolutely nothing wrong with something “different” for Josie because they believe that where they’ll be sending her she’ll be getting all the services she deserves and the school experiences that best prepare her for her future. They’re not saying that she can never be in a general education setting; it’s just not the best for her now. 

My Reflection: Now that you’ve reviewed the list of possible next “dance steps,” take 10 minutes to write a dialogue—a conversation between the parent and the school psychologist. Free-write what each might say. Follow up with one suggestion you’d make to both the parent and professional for the next steps in working through this impasse.

School Psychologist: We are very proud of all the growth Aidan has made both academically and socially this year in his is 12:1:1 classroom.

Parent: I’m happy to hear that. Now that he’s made this progress, he can go back to a general education class next year?

School Psychologist: As much as Aidan has grown, we do think it’s been a result of the services he has received and the self-contained placement that occurred once he got is IEP.

Parent: But he seems so much better. I think he could be in one of those regular classes. 

School Psychologist: We don’t think it’s the right time to take away the supports that have led to his success. 

—————

Suggestion to the Professional: Define IEP. Sympathize with the parent’s feelings. Show them evidence of his growth. Explain what kind of regression can happen if he moves out of his services/his least restrictive setting too soon. Emphasize that this does not mean he’ll have to be in a self-contained setting forever and that every year we can discuss if it’s the right time. Emphasize that you just want the best for Aidan and his family. 

Suggestion to the Parent: Ask why. Listen and be open to the answers, especially if they come from evidence/data because that’s your child making the argument for you, not the professional. Ask the professional if they understand where you are coming from. Internally, consider why you want them in a “regular” class so badly. If your child is happier and more successful right now, why do you want to take away things that currently helping him? Also, remember that students do not have to stay in self-contained settings forever. 

My Recollection: If I remember only one thing from my reading about the phase of “Colliding and Campaigning,” it is that during this period it can be very hard to put one’s ego to the side and realize that this isn’t about winning over the other party, so they think like you. It’s about coming together to form a new understanding. 

My Recollection: If I remember only one thing from my reading about Cooperating and Compromising, it is that both parties won’t always be happy in this stage, but at least they will feel respected and proof of continued progress will start to go a long way.

My Recollection: If I remember only one thing from my reading about Creative Partnering and Collaborating, it is that this is the goal, but you cannot expect it to happen right away. To get to this point you need patience, trust, and the ability to feel safe. During this phase, new understandings are constantly being developed and plans are continuing to be adjusted based off of data and the experience of all parties (the professionals, the parents, and the student/child in question).